Prologue: The Bigger, The Harder...

First Year of Nursing in 2009

 Here My Story so far....

Ive been a big girl basically my whole life. Truthfully when I was small, I wasn't those huge chubby kids who ate crazy amounts of food etc but probably in elementary school, I could defiantly say I was bigger than many people in my class. Ive always had a smaller upper half of my body, and development in the lovely "chest" or "boob" department doesn't hurt anyone ;D. However, I realized I did have bigger thighs and legs ever since Gr. 6?

Ive been bullied my whole life cause of my weight. When I was in elementary school, I got picked on for being bigger than everyone else in my class (or more like the girls in my class). I went to a small school, so by the time we reached grade 8, and most of my close best friends had to transfer schools, there was only 6 girls left in our class, and of course me being the "bigger" girl out of all of them. Sure, I knew my thighs were big. But being name called and given the nickname "Mythighst" (a way of saying I had gigantic thighs) didn't help at all. At that time I realized it couldn't be helped because it was clearly my genetics.

My mom was big, her highest weight being size 28 in pants (or to make it easier 3-4XL) and she was proud of her size and rocked her clothing like no other. Also in our culture, being big with curves and all was a beautiful asset to have. It showed that you had food to eat, were financial stable, and came from a stable family. Also, men were interested in bigger women with curves and a nice booty. So I thought to myself, size shouldn't matter? However, that clearly was only an excuse to allow me to hide the pain and hurt I always felt. 

High school wasn't as bad. I have to admit at the time, I was surrounded by decent friends who didn't judge me by my weight. That Summer I worked HARD, went to the gym everyday for a month, but since I didn't see results I gave up and went back to the computer, playing video games all day routine to ignore my failure. I was indeed insecure of my weight, but I let myself go especially in grade 12, eating cafe food everyday for breakfast and sometimes lunch, trying to use food as my comfort. 

University began, and I started my Nursing Program. I realized I was indeed "big" than many of my classmates, but everyone was mature, kind and no one really bothered me with my weight or bully me. As, I continued my nursing program, I started to be very self conscious of my weight, and realized I was getting REALLY big. I was about close to 270lbs and was leaning towards size 20-24 pant range. Though I've always had a higher weight even when I was a smaller figure, I realized if I wasn't careful I would become my mom size or bigger. 

Second Year of Nursing 2011

What really motivated me was when I started getting bullied at my workplace. I started working with Cineplex in May 2011. A person in my hire group started to bully me. First it was very little commentary, but soon it came to every shift having to comment about my weight 

"Omg, your like an elephant, your whole butt is blocking my way" 

" You, going to the gym? Why? Your only gonna get bulky and wont lose anything" 

"Man, your bigger than me. How are your thighs THAT big"

At that point, I had enough. So during that Summer I started Insanity. The first two months (June-July) I started walking, usually 30mins -1.5 hour walks everyday. I loved walking cause I could clear my mind, imagine about the future, and listen to music while trying to be healthy. Than I began Insanity and the weight started to drop. I had dropped down to 219lbs (my starting weight after walking for 2 months was 242lbs) and went down from my highest size being 24 pants to a pair of 16's. When I had returned to work after about a month of giving away shifts due to school and getting use to the system, this coworker was shocked.

At my LOWEST weight of 213lbs in size 14 jeans

I had changed my hair, I was wearing clothing that were on my body, than my usual baggy clothing, and I FELT good!!! I was proud of myself! He was literally speechless. Many of my coworkers didn't recognize me at first glance. He even asked me to let him borrow Insanity so he could lose a few lbs. My managers had discovered what had been happening and were really pissed that I resorted to working out and changing my appearance over this guy who also wasn't no size small-medium. He eventually quit due to my managers finding out and wanting to take action. 

I continued working out during my remaining 2 years at Nursing and though my lowest weight was 213lbs in which I did plateau and gained some weight, my appearance at least stayed the same. I felt more confident, I felt happier, I actually wore a dress for both my graduation party and at a graduation celebration. 

Me at our Nursing Graduation Party as a Host

Left: Me at our Nursing celebration in 2nd year of Nursing in 2011
Right: Me after graduating Nursing Program in 2013

I actually thought I would be able to get down to the low 200's maybe even reach the 190s by the time once I completed my nursing degree, graduated and became a nurse. That was my goal but life took a unexpected turn. With my program comes the licensing exam. 

I had failed my first attempt with my nursing exam. At first it was hard, but I was accepting of it, realizing that the exam was hard and my first try. Sure it would have been nice if I passed but hey, life hits you sometimes. So I restudied and concentrated on doing well. I had support from my close friends and my mom was there for me 100% so I didn't really fall to behind in my workouts. I did gain on the scale but nothing to significant. I still looked the same so I had no worries. 

In October, I rewrote the exam. Now I was confident! The exam wasn't hard for me, many of the previous questions were there, and well I KNEW I had done well. I had a job interview with NYGH one of the hospitals near my house where I always thought I would one day work at and life was really good. I felt my struggle would finally be over, I can accomplish my first goal to becoming a nurse, and really dedicate myself to getting my dream body. 

My Interview Attire for NYGH: Confident as Ever

However, once again Life didn't want me to have the easy way. I failed my exam, yet AGAIN, and this time by 1 question. This, indeed took a toll on me. Sure, Ive had my share of depression but this really impacted me hard. I felt like a failure, that I let my friend and Mom down. I've been a 80-90 grade girl, who was known to be those  "smart" kids all throughout my nursing program. I never really struggled with many subjects and I worked hard to accomplish what I wanted. So for me to be so close to achieving this goal, to becoming a Nurse which was my dream career, and being denied that chance a second time did a great deal of damage on me, both physically and emotionally.

The hardest part was for me to convince everyone I was okay. Im truthfully a very happy individual, love talking and interacting with people, so for me to cover up and saying I was fine was the hardest thing to do in my life. I tried to be motivated and workout but my motivation slowly left, and once again food was my comfort. I continued to gain on the scale and though I thankfully was still a size 16 (tight but hey they fit).

I took my last chance in February. That was the most hardest exams I had ever written in all my years of schooling. This time I knew, it was over, I must have failed, and I cried everyday after that exam, depression taking its toll on me, and realized my dream was not going to be accomplished. However, God was on my side and thanks to my guardian angels, I PASSED! That called for CELEBRATION!

After such trials in my life, I had quit cineplex and worked at Hero burger for 5 months. As much as I wanted to workout and get fit now that the exam was out of the way, the environment I was in at work was horrible. I worked 6-7 days a week, with no microwave at the workplace, so bringing food was impossible, and with all "healthy" restaurant to far or expensive, all I ate and could afford was burgers, poutines and more JUNK FOOD. I thought to myself "Why workout when your diet was shit?"

By July, I finally landed myself a Nursing Job thanks to my dearest friend Lina (HI LINA <3). Thanks to her and my references, I got the job!. Finally a career job. I decided once I settled into my job, I could FINALLY focus on myself! It was really difficult to adjust to my job, scheduling was taking a while to getting use too, and determining whether I would be permanent days or permanent nights was still undecided. However, being the end of October, my schedule has been made to nights and now I can start focusing on myself!

Current Me: Size 16-18, L-XL top 

2009 Me: Size 20-24 pants, XXL top

So, this is my story. I realize I can do a lot better and I know my weight is one area that is holding me back. Now I have many inspirational people in my life, people who want me to be Happy, be myself and want me to accomplish all my goals, this one being now a priority.

Ive achieved securing my Career and a stable job. Now its time for me to get the body I truly want. I'm signing up for GoodLife Fitness next month, ordering some workout gear, and going to buy some weights. My workout videos are ready and schedule is set. I start in November. This blog will be my story to encourage others that no matter how many times you fall, just gotta brush the dirty off and try again.

Thanks for Reading <3 Till next time...

Yumoyori <3~